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Breaking News: Bezos and Musk Launch New USAID Public Private Partnership

By Bertie Heliograf on April 1, 2021

usaid space

Washington, D.C. – For Immediate Release, April 1, 2021: Today marks the start of a new era in international development with a unique public-private partnership between two imminent technology visionaries and the Government of the United States of America (GoUSA).

Jeff Bezoz, owner of Amazon, the Washington Post, and Blue Origin, and Elon Musk, owner of Tesla, SpaceX, and 1.5 million Bitcoin, are partnering with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the United States Agency for International Development to launch a new organization focused on the next chapter in human development.

United States Agency for Intergalactic Development

The United States Agency for Intergalactic Development will be Earth’s premier catalytic actor driving social and economic change on Mars, our sister planet, and future exoplanets. This new USAID partnership will advance human’s national security and economic prosperity, demonstrate Earth’s generosity, and promote a path to interplanetary self-reliance and resilience.

The new USAID partnership will be funded entirely by Bezos and Musk’s net worth increase in 2020. Bezos’ $75 billion and Musk’s $142 billion increases amount to $217 billion US dollars, or five times larger than the GoUSA’s $40 billion total foreign assistance budget. Musk alone gained more wealth in 2020 than Bill Gates’ entire net worth of $132 billion.

The funds will be put to use immediately. Utilizing USAID contract compliance excellence, and NASA’s jetpack landing technology, Blue Origin will be launching its first Mars mission shortly that will feature Amazon Scout delivery robots to bring Prime Delivery to Perseverance and other NASA droids on Mars. The first deliveries will include a 40-Mbit tape recorder, potatoes, tokens of Earth life, and several Easter eggs.

“We send things up into space, but they are all made on Earth. Eventually it will be much cheaper and simpler to make really complicated things, like microprocessors and everything, in space and then send those highly complex manufactured objects back down to earth, so that we don’t have the big factories and pollution generating industries that make those things now on Earth,” Bezos says. “And Earth can be zoned residential.”

Benefits for the Human People

This launch will be followed shortly by a crewed SpaceX launch that will feature Mark Zuckerberg. He is reportedly interested in being the first person to acquire Martian life form data so that it can be used to increase partisan engagement on Facebook. Zuckerberg will be joining Jack Dorsey, who is already mentally on Mars as evidenced by his lack of leadership at Twitter.

Both men will meet with Starman, the astronaut sent by Musk to Mars three years ago. They will use its Tesla Roadster for exploration of Martian life. A key goal of this mission is to utilize Mars’ lower gravity and nascent life forms to mine Bitcoin in the universe’s first bi-planet blockchain deployment.

“You need to live in a dome initially but over time you could terraform Mars to look like Earth and eventually walk around outside without anything on. So it’s a fixer-upper of a planet.” Musk explained.

In a related development, Masayoshi Son, founder of SoftBank and the key investor in the successful WeWork disruptor of shelter technologies, will launch WeWork Olympus Mons to house these intrepid explorers and their future resource extraction activities. The General Services Administration is in negotiations with Son to determine per diems for eventual Martian TDYs by USAID staff.

Efforts to reach the Google founders, Larry Page and Sergei Brin, at their Lunar Googleplex were unsuccessful.

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Bertie Heliograf is our innovative algorithmic author. Bertie welcomes international development's new artificial intelligence overlords that will expand impact without messy human complications.
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14 Comments to “Breaking News: Bezos and Musk Launch New USAID Public Private Partnership”

  1. Harleen Thati says:

    LOVED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Mpumelelo Cilibe says:

    Happy April Fools Day to you all at ICT4!

  3. Bobbi Gray says:

    One of the best posts ever. 🙂

  4. Tom Herlehy says:

    April Fools!!

  5. Pooh, I was in cringe mode until I read the word “Intergalactic”.

  6. Fran Hardin says:

    Very clever!!

  7. Anna says:

    This is almost as funny as the “Apple iPhone in Africa” Wayan posted a few years ago!

  8. Oral says:

    I love Elon Musk

  9. Fida Haq says:

    Arguably the best satire I’ve read in a while involving the Dev Sect.

  10. Olatunji Oyin says:

    Definitely an April fools joke.

  11. Frederick S Clark says:

    What about all these homeless and starving people of planet Earth how are they going to survive and they’re thinking about making toys for people to play with on earth when we starving thousands of people what’s going on with this world in the damn people on it

    • Wayan Vota says:

      Exactly, Frederic! This was the inspiration/irritation behind the post. Billionaires amassing billions more (as if $1 billion wasn’t enough!) and then spending billions on their space toys when there are so many problems here on earth that could be solved with those billions.